Mixed Funnies pg 2

For Those who enjoy language

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine
Aman's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When tow egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden ley but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcists, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with you debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia-the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainred - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fourtune - teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Sants's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupunture is a jab well done..

Stamp Malfunction

The Postal Sevices created a stamp with a picture pf President Oboma
on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamps was not sticking to
envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a
special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1. Th stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from you mouth to you stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb)
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's..
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of you feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weights twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Woman reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.