Mixed Funnies pg 5

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.     In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for marijuana'.
2. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
3. Specify that your drive-through order is 'To Go'.
4. Sing along at the opera.

5.    Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
          party because you have a headache.
6. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling
         'run for your lives! they're loose!'
7.   Tell your children over dinner, 'due do the economy we are
         going to have to let one of you go.'

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity ...

8. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO
THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. (Smile hell, I laughed out loud @ #8)

LIFE IS SHORT - ENJOY THE RIDE!!!

Think about you spelling
A short spelling lesson:
The last four letters in "American" = I Can

The last four letters in "Republican" = I Can

The last four letters in "Democrats"= Rats

End of Lesson.

Test to follow in November.
November will be set aside as rodent extermination month.

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else
I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed..
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING AND BLESSINGS TO ALL!